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[03 Feb 2010|02:11am] |
I'm in pain 24/7.
Somebody kill me.
I hate my doctors.
I hate my family.
I hate my life.
I hate everyone.
I hate everything.
I hate hating.
I hate.
This is how I feel right now.
That is all.
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| Seriously |
[26 Jan 2010|10:53pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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music |
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Beethoven - Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-Flat major, Op. 73 |
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Why the fuck.
No, just fuck it all.
I seriously can't deal with this shit anymore. Fuck you.
I can't be here. I don't want to be here. If there really is a reason for everything, then WHAT THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING REASON. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ME, or HAY HAVE A CHOIR OF HEAVENLY ANGELS SING IT TO ME WHILE I'M TAKING A SHIT I think that'd be more FUCKING CONVENIENT than putting me through this shit.
You know me, I FUCKING LISTEN. And I TRUST YOU. I fucking trust just about anybody because I know how to discern lies from truth just by listening or watching.
Especially you.
So why do you make me hate myself. Why do you put me through this. You love it. You love to see me in pain. You can't do shit about it, so you put me through pain. Just shut up. Shut up shut up shut up shut up.
God, WHAT'S WRONG with liking the things I like. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG. But WHY DO IT LET IT BOTHER ME SO MUCH that you care. I wish I wouldn't. I just want to fucking leave. Make this go away.
I'm going to leave.
You know I didn't want to before. But you are a fucking nutcase. I would say more but I know how to FUCKING HOLD MY TONGUE. I know how to NOT FUCKING JUDGE and I know HOW TO BE A FUCKING NICE PERSON and not act like I fucking know everything.
So I know SOME stuff. That doesn't mean I KNOW everything or even more ACT like I fucking know everything. It's NOT black and white here.
I AM sick.
I AM in a completely useless situation.
I CANNOT get a girlfriend because of my situation.
I CANNOT get better friends because that's all there is down here.
I DO fucking try every now and again. And that's VERY often.
Just because all of it fails and I say it fails, DOES MEAN IT FAILS. IT'S CALLED THE FUCKING SCIENTIFIC METHOD. You experiment, you try it, you get empirical evidence, and you get the results. THAT'S HOW IT FUCKING WORKS AND IT'S WORKED FINE SINCE IT WAS INVENTED. Don't say NO and give ONE FUCKING EXAMPLE on how I'm wrong. Because I have MILLIONS(not that many) of examples all throughout my life.
Everything I said IS correct. Of that I'm sure. Now I'm cocky and thickheaded? Oh yeah, but when it comes to the actual topics, then I'm weak and insecure and no self-esteem. NICE there NICE. Shows how REALLY FUCKING STUPID you are.
You want me to prove it to you? I will. I'll try my fucking damnest to prove myself wrong. You want to know how you can be sure I'll try with every fiber of myself? BECUASE IT'S ME GOING THROUGH IT'S ME THAT WANTS TO GE TOUTOF THIS AND IT'S ME THAT'S GOING THROUGH THE PAIN OF THIS. Now I can say that I FUCKING KNOW it's NOT GOING TO WORK and NOTHING WILL COME FROM IT, that's not me being negative. That's me being conclusive from previous attempts. And I'm tired of trying over and over just to get people to shut their ass up.
Why can't you just believe me. Why must I always be the one that says I told you so. Why can't we just agree and why can't you just trust me. You say that my prize for being correct will be that I'll get to say I told you so.
No.
NO.
NO!
FUCK YOU NO.
I DON'T FUCKING WANT THA TI DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT SAYS I TOLD YOU SO.
WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP WHY DO WE HAVE TO KILL WHAT WE HAVE JUST SO YOU CAN "SEE" WHETHER I'M RIGHT AND FORCE ME TO TRY AGAIN AND FAIL FURTHER KILLING A BIT OF ME just so you can use it as ammunition to second guess me about whether I did try my best.
I am worthless.
It's from a neutral point of view. I have no purpose, and I have no meaning. I can do no good, only harm. I can only block people's way. Be a burden. People come and people go. They say people love me and will miss me. No.
Nobody who leaves is needed, and nobody who stays counts.
The world goes on.
If that's your only thing to say to me, well you better find a little more material "matters" to think about. Because we live in a material world. Money matters, feelings matter. And honey, I am able to not give neither, anything.
So you don't want to talk to me. I can see yes, your very busy life has no time for me. Believe me I completely fucking understand. And cold people like you are just the kind of people who rule this world. And run it and make the rules. I'm applying your game to my life. I don't fit. It's ok, don't talk to me. I will miss you though because hey, I kinda liked ya. I kinda like everyone. That's what's killing me.
I don't really wanna go on. I don't care anymore. Fuck the plans. Fuck destiny. And really, if GOD HAS PLANS, then let them go on. I'll do what I can to cope with them. Because THAT GUY IS MEAN an his plans ARE HARD.
You say there is a battle in me. Yes, there is. Been there since a long time. I've never felt like I've belonged to this world. The good world. The Christian world. But I stay in it, because I know, I KNOW that it's right. I'm a terrible person, and I know what I'm capable of. This has to be kept in check. I'm NOT going to get off the path. This I know.
You don't trust me. I don't care. I do care. I want you to trust me. If you don't trust me, trust God. You trust that guy that he'll have me in his hands.
I know what I know.
And what I know, I know to be true.
I know how this is going to end.
I'm going to leave. I'm never going to forgive you because that's just the kind of person I am. I am going to say I told you so. And it is going to hurt and kill us both.
And it will all be your fault.
And I'll be DAMN sure to let you know it is.
And even if you are on your death bed, pleading to forgive you for it. I'll forgive you for some things, but I'll let you know, of this I won't. You can die with that taste in your mouth because you spit it. I'm not the one that caught it nor deserves to have it with me when I'm going to live on and you die. You're just going to rot in the ground. Take it with you. Take it all with you.
I know we'll all be happier. Knowing that your heavy burden, and your troubled mind is put to rest.
There really is nothing, as easy, as lucky, or as free.
Esli~
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| Oh shi |
[11 Dec 2009|07:24pm] |
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 anxious |
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Andrew W.K. - Fun Night |
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It just occurred to me that my last post was all me being in love haha.
I think I'm happy because whether she says yes or no, it's still a win. Yes o hay maybe I get to finally start going out with girls again and maybe if something happens. If she says no, then it's still a win because it's just an "interest". Not a really big infatuation that usually happens when I ask a girl out and she says no and I get all emo.
It's just like, hey, I wanna try this. If not, then no biggie. Just on a whim. Don't know her that well only that she seems dorky and nice and weird. So the no won't hurt that much and I'll be like heh oh yay I didn't get hurt from the no.
Anyways, yeah I wanted to post again because I wanted to post something like, about my work and school and life.
Ok so school has been ok. I think I am going to get a C in Chem and maybe something like that in Philosophy too. It's ok, passing. Good for being a hurt injured student I guess. Just as long as I pass and my full 45 credit core is done, I'm a good smug dog. :smug:
Need to email da prof over the 15 page paper, then I needa do 3 quizzes for Chem and study for the Chem test which is 43 problems multiple choice, and 7 of them fill in the blank but still multiple choice.
I think I can do this. Let's pray it goes good. I'll pray it goes good. Please God, please Jesus, let it go good. Let me pass all my classes so I can enjoy my Christmas vacation. With maybe a little extra cherry on the top if you know what I mean. ;)
Thanks God.
You're loving son,
Esli~
lmao
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| La lala |
[11 Dec 2009|06:28pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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Andrew W.K. - Take It Off! |
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I don't know why I feel like I'm in a good mood.
I'm gonna try something, like maybe ask a girl out. Maybe that's why?
But in the end, I feel like that will be a huge determining factor in how I feel.
Like for example, I'll be really happy only because of her. Really sad only because of her.
I'd rather be set in my ways and be good and happy, and have the relationship be a plus.
But then again, wasn't it like this back in the day? "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray" and stuff like "Everything I do, I do it for you" no matter what era stuff like that happens.
I guess life doesn't always turn out to be the way you want it. And sometimes you just have to go with it I guess.
Hopefully she says no so that I can keep things simple but she's kinda nice or it'd be nice to have her around idk lmao.
I'm so pitiful.
Anyways, I'm feeling good today. And I opened a fake Facebook fortune cookie that said I was the dream(perfect) love of various people haha.
Well, let's hope it's true, at least this time. Maybe I can get something out of it.
I'm feeling hopeful, why? I hate this feeling. It usually ends with me being all like, falling down from my high hopes I built up.
But you know what. I like it this time. Fuck it if it brings me down. At least I'm feeling good for this second, for right now, for this time, and that's what matters to me right now.
Whatever lies beyond right now, is a little later on.
I'll take it as it comes.
HEE HEEE omg I am so giddy. She's got me good. :(
Let's hope it comes out good. :D
Wish me luck.
Esli~
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| I'm gonna give you lovin' baby, I'm gonna give you more. Bring that ass home~ |
[26 Nov 2009|02:45pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper ^_^ |
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Led Zeppelin - Bring It On Home (live at the Royal Albert hall 1970) |
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I'm actually pretty happy today.
I love family gatherings.
And, I got my dosage of SSRI's halved!
I am so sure that's what is causing me to be so emo.
I was never like this before, well as often as I am.
They told me I don't need them for depression but for relaxation in small dosage but even the small dosage fucks with me to the point of GIVING me, a mentally healthy person, depression.
I think I need to see my cousin who was the licensed massage therapist who showed me the new stretches that drastically reduced my pain, and ask him some new questions on a theory I have.
See my muscle that hates me, the iliopsoas, is all gnarled up and in pain.
When I first went to therapy they told me to stretch it using this kneeling and stretching leg/body exercise. It felt good, but later on at night, it would come back with a vengeance and it would completely cramp up and oh God it hurt so bad since it's right close to my penis since it also is part of my perineum.
He told me that all my lower back and back leg muscles are so tight they're pulling my pelvis tilting it backward and my leg is point outward pulling my front muscles(including my iliopsoas) to the point where the iliopsoas is probably all gnarled up and won't unfuck itself to nice and smooth so it's all cramped up trying to compensate for my really strong leg muscles(and ass muscles lmao) I have in my back.
Now that I've stretched them off and they're not really tight and pulling on my pelvis, I wanna try the iliopsoas stretch again. I wonder if that will finally get rid of this.
My theory is, I couldn't even stretch and touch my toes when I had this. My back leg muscles were so tight and cramping that I couldn't even touch my ankles. At physical therapy they made me stretch but it didn't work that well.
My cousin, the MASSAGE therapist who really knows his shit and his muscles, show me some new stretches he said are better and I'd have more "control" of them and in ONE DAY I went from barely being able to go past my kneels to being able to touch the palm of my hands to the floor.
Back like I used to when I was in shape in running I used to be able to stretch 6-8 inches past my toes.
IN ONE DAY I managed to extend my muscles that much.
He said I didn't extend them, just that I've always been flexible from stretching and exercising and that now I put my back leg muscles, which he says are the "source" of the problem" back to being normal non tightened cramped muscles which he said should not pull on my pelvic bones and not cause as much as pain in my iliopsoas muscle anymore.
And he was right! I went from 200mg of opiates down to 100mg! Half! I'm pretty sure I can lower it even more. That's how much of my pain went down.
Now I'm wondering, ok my back muscles are no longer gnarled up and cramped and not pulling on my pelvis anymore. If I stretch my iliopsoas muscle which is all gnarled up and cramped, will it go back to being smooth and non-cramped/gnarled up like they told me at the first physical therapy? I did it and it would just re-cramp back up and they were so confused.
In theory, it sounds like it should make sense. Because my massage therapist cousin told me that because my back leg(and ass heh) muscles are so strong and they're cramping and gnarling up for some reason and I need to stretch them, it's pulling my pelvis back tilting it backward.
He said my body recognizes this as "not right" so it compensates by using my front muscles to put it back into the right position. This could be the abdominal wall, including the ilioapsoas. He said that maybe when I woke up and stretched, it OVER-pulled my front muscles so much that my front muscles got pulled too much and almost tore(since the MRI found no muscle damage) and caused my front muscles to gnarl up so much as to compensate for my back muscles being gnarled up and cramped and tight.
So if my back muscles are not longer tight and cramping up gnarled up, then maybe I can stretch my iliopsoas and front muscles back to not being like that either. I mean, the front muscles were only like that to compensate because the back muscles were like that too right?
And the reason when I first started therapy long ago and I would do the iliopsoas stretch it felt good because hey that's the muscle that's cramping so much causing me pain, but it would recramp later again in the day was because my back leg muscles were tightning even more so my iliopsoas would recramp again to compensate. But now that my back leg muscles are no longer tight and cramping and gnarled up, I can stretch my iliopsoas and it'll stay that way, normal, without pain, non-cramped, and smooth because my back leg muscles won't be pulling my leg muscles back.
tl;dr - Back leg muscles too strong and tight pulling on pelvis back, front muscle iliopsoas tightens even more to compensate causing ultra pain. Front muscle stretching helped for the first few hours then it re cramped/tightened causing INTENSE pain because my back muscles would start pulling on my pelvis again causing my front iliopsoas muscle to tighten to compensate. Now that I've pulled back to normal and un-tightened my back leg muscles, maybe stretching the iliopsoas back to normal will make it stay that way removing my pain completely and forever.
Even the tl;dr version is long.
I came here to write very little but ended up writing alot. Heh. HEH. Yeah. -_-
So anyways, I want to talk to him and see what he thinks and my physical therapist which I'm going to start going to next week before I attempt this. If it's one thing I've learned from this, it's that although I'm always right(hah) and I am very good at deducing and reasoning things, I should always tell my ideas to the doctor or trained professionals and see what they think or their ideas.
Usually I fall flat on my face and they get angry for trying to fix it myself and get offended so much that what I'm saying makes sense and could work and in a way fixing what they couldn't and they're like NO DON'T DO IT LE TME BE THE DOCTOR I'M THE DOCTOR LISTEN TO ME RAWRARARARAr but hopefully my pain specialist(who listens to me) and my massage therapist cousin who agree's with alot of my theories, and my physical therapist who is this young 26 year old sweet thing <3 and I can talk to and relate to might give me their opinion.
Of course I'll tell my doctor who is probably the most stubborn and angry about my ideas, and my shrink who is actually really kickass and understands and KNOWS how smart I am and follows my reasoning very well. I'll tell him and see what he thinks since I'll see him next week anyways.
He even tells me he doesn't think I don't have any mental problems like anxiety or depression but that seeing a shrink when you have chronic pain is kinda like a safety precaution since us people are at high risk for depression, suicide, anxiety, frustration, and stuff like that so he analyzes me every 2 weeks. We usually end up chatting and talking about all this badass shit lmao.
So yeah, till now, I'll keep my pills and exercises handy till next week. I'm in no hurry since almost everything I've tried on my own has failed so this could fail too I'm not going to rush in all hopeful and deluded as to not hurt myself again as I've done so, so many times.
Next week, trigger point injections! No more opiates! Time to get my drink on baby! Really looking forward to drinking with my friends again. That and my SSRI's being halved while keeping my benzos the same will be sure for a good happy time. Thank you God. I really need this now. Especially in this "Merry" times. ;)
I'm tired of persevering and being strong.
But, 'tis life and I shall persevere and stay determined. My two strongest assets I think besides my empathy. That and being a good friend heh. :D
HEH
Yeah all my humor is just crazy and weird.
Time to go visit Eli's house and his family and have my turkey there. They're like my second family. I shouldn't even say that, they are my FAMILY, period. <- that's a period
Happy days today, and God bless everyone. Be thankful, remember. Meditate on everything to be thankful for this year. Keep up the cheer.
Ciao,
Esli~
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| I guess I need this. |
[25 Nov 2009|02:03am] |
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hopeful |
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Wilco - You Never Know |
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Well I'm back.
I'm back, and with an intent.
I just finished reading all of my posts on my front page lmao. I am a self-righteous douchebag!
Nah, I'm not, really. Just reading my posts makes me laugh hilariously. Me meeting up with all these slutty girls and being sexually frustrated and lonely to go along with them. Then trying to make it look like I gotz game. You ain't got shit boi.
Life is hard. Very hard. Life is very hard FOR ME. It no longer comes as a surprise to me when I tell people some of my problems and they almost start crying. How many times has this happened? (Trying to validate my life is indeed shitty)
So I got a shrink! Turns out to keep giving me the meds the doctor is giving me, he needs a shrinks permission! Oooo aaaah. Fucking SSRI's. They are really fucking with me! I've gone from a cool laid back lonely guy, to just this sentimental pouty puppy who just breaks easily. A little boy. I don't know what's happening to me anymore.
Haha, I talked to the shrink. I told him I had no problems. Well anxiety, depression, none of that shit. I mostly use anger. I've been told I'm an angry guy. Yes I'm angry, at the world, at God, at my family, at you, at myself. Tough shit, can't do anything about it. Anger helps to let it go. I wish I could enroll in some kinda fighting sport. I love getting into fights. Sometimes, I just want blood. I just want to taste someone's blood. Lick it off my fingers while staring into their eyes. I am so hideously evil.
I've turned over a new leaf. No one uses LJ anymore. Maybe I can wrote more on here. I have an incredible dark side. Maybe I can let it out here.
...at Church I feel so alone. I love Church, I love God, I want to be there, I want to belong. But deep down, I feel like I don't belong. Like I don't belong there. And it hurts me. So much.
To the point of tears. (crying now)
I've always prided myself on being strong. You don't know what the fuck I've been through. Maybe that's why I've taken my chill attitude. Ignore it all Esli. Ignorance is bliss. Relax, mon. Because if you think about it, you'll realize how fucked you are.
But now. Push is turning to shove. The tough are starting to get going. And I'm still trying to be a good person. I'm trying so hard. I feel terrible at the things I say, the things I do. I feel so dirty. I feel unworthy. I don't deserve anything. I deserve whatever pain comes my way in life and that's not me being dramatic. I've been so sadistic to people when this side of me comes out.
And I'm scared. I'm so scared.
There's this soft side of me that wants it to go away. I want to be a good Christian. I want to be a good person. I feel like I'm never good enough. All I can do is beg for mercy. I hate my life. I hate it so much. All I've been doing as of late is laying in bed and listening to Bright Eyes. He has depression but I can relate to everything he says exactly. How fucking lame.
Why? I really don't care. Just please, mercy. I've come to the realization that, my life is completely out of my control. Just like the Bright Eyes song "If Brakeman Turns My Way". From the point of a train-hopping hobo, he can only get on the ride and go where the brakeman chooses. But if the brakeman just happens to look his way, he can have a choice of where to go in his life.
I have no control. Over anything. Nothing. My health is fleeing from me. My friends are fleeing from me. My mental health seems like it might flee from me. A sad ending to a sad beginning. How will I end up? I really need help. I'm seeing a doctor, a specialist, AND a shrink. They say I really need God and only he can fix this. But he hasn't done anything.
I hate when my mom comes in, with her full faith and prays over me. She prays and I can feel that the bedrock of her faith is in God. And she prays and cries and nothing happens to me. And I get so angry. At God. At the world. She's suffered so long. She's suffered so much. Why must she get this now?
She loves me, I can safely say maybe more than her other children. And now her once proud, good looking, charming, and smart son is confined to his bed, angry, depressed, almost in tears. She doesn't deserve this. What did I ever do? I did nothing but try to kill my bad side and keep my good side afloat.
I did nothing but have good intentions. All I ever wanted was to take care of my mother. I'M FUCKING 23 YEARS OLD FOR FUCKS SAKE. YES I DON'T HAVE FUCKING CITIZENSHIP BUT I HAD A JOB BEFORE I FAKED THE SSN# YES THEY ALMOST FOUND ME AND FUCKED ME BUT I'D DO IT AGAIN just so she can have a bit more rest. All I want to do is take care of her. No one has taken care of her. She's been alone her entire life with God. And even then it's been an incredibly hard life.
All I ever wanted since little was to give her a good life. Give her the things she never had. I want her to enjoy life's little things. Not be so cluttered in her head with problems.
And life keeps taking me down the path of no choice.
I can't do anything. I'm completely, 100% stuck.
I hate my family. They've all gone their own ways and are not helping us. It's just me, my mother, and my sister. My sister is gonna leave soon. She's done it before and I had to step up my 40 hour a week job to 60 hours WHILE going to school just to help support the house. Not to mention I completely feel for what seemed to be the sweetest most perfect fit girl for me only to find out she had a boyfriend(again) like the always do and break my heart. It was the worth month of my life. Even now I think of December and don't look forward to it. A cold month, full of broken hearts, broken hands, and broken feelings.
She's GONNA leave us. And my mother and I can't keep up ourselves. I wish I could do something. I'M THE FUCKING MAN. I'M 23 YEARS OLD UGH and yet I can't stop crying at how useless I am. How fucked I am if the police gets ahold of me. How I can't even work because I'm physical injured.
This isn't fair. This isn't fair, THIS ISN'T FAIR! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I WISH I COULD SPIT THIS BACK IN YOUR FACE.
But... I guess that's faith. And you know what. I'm keeping the faith. Faith is the bedrock of the new testament. Faith is the bedrock of the covenant. Without these sorts of things, you can't have faith if life is all perfect and dandy. They said it'd be easier this way, without the law, just faith.
Faith in time of trouble is way harder.
I got into a fight with a friend. I consider him my friend. I still do. He's a dumbass son of a bitch on drugs, but I consider him my friend. I know his intentions were good but, God, was his delivery shit. Really, I've been living my life 23 years, do you really think me that stupid that I haven't tried every single possibility? To get out of my mess?
He yelled at me, and insulted me in a moment of vulnerability to change my life and do something about it. I tried explaining nothing can be done. I've tried it all. I even asked him to help me figure something out if he really thinks I'm just making excuses. Way to be a dick. I'm not an idiot. I've thought of so many ways and right now I'm truly stuck. No hope. Just live the day and maybe lady luck will look down on you. And hopefully you won't realize that, lady luck is just a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash.
Then to top it off, he makes me lose a friend. A really good friend I've known for 9 years. Yet I have not much in common with this friend. He's well off financially, I'm not. He has so much opportunity and he's doing all the things I can only dream of doing that I wrote in my list of things to do before I die. I envy him, in a good way and I wish him the best. I hardly talk to him because we have no much in common. And I mean that in no bad way.
Yet he took it the wrong way.
I have alot of problems. And I talk to me friends about them. They help me through them when I just want to vent. I don't use them to vent I'm there for them all the time and I care for them deeply. It's not too much to ask to listen to me when I feel down right? And even if you don't want to, I understand. Life gets in the way. Trust me, I know more about life(hard life and how it can get in the way of everything) more than you. I understand you don't have time or don't want to hear it, and I hold no ill will towards you I can talk to someone else.
But this friend. I hardly talk to him, and I DON'T EVEN TELL MY PROBLEMS TO, is tired of me. Is tired of my "problems". I knew this would happen. It's happened many times before.
I know I can be depressing to be around. I know you have almost a perfect life. And when anything even hints at my complete shit life and inability to control anything and only sink deeper into my shithole, it brings you down. That's why I try not to talk to you about it. But I guess it affects him anyways because sometimes I'll post Facebook updates when I feel down, about me being down and it affects him.
I do not want to burden you. Or anyone. Who doesn't want this. I gave everyone an option. If I really bring you down, just by being your friend and updating Facebook with my posts, unfriend me. That simple. I harbor no ill will towards you, but it does hurt. It hurts because you're my friend. And although I never talked to you about my problems, I guess I expected you to be there for me whenever I need someone, anyone, any friend and you chose not to. It's fine, I understand it brings you down and I DO NOT need to be bringing my friends down who are high.
But it still hurts.
I had a talk with Adrian. He really is a good friend though I hardly see him. He opens my eyes. He tells it to me straight. Straight-talk. I love him. A good long talk with him and I'm on firm ground again. Thank you, friend. Thank you Andy for being there for me too. Thank you Eli for never getting tired of me even though I have NOTHING TO GIVE YOU(commence crying). If there's anyone else I love in this world as much as my mother it's you. For showing me this unconditional love as my friend. You don't know how bad I feel, how terrible I feel, that I can't do anything for you, as much as you do for me. I want to buy you things. I want to help you with your problems. I want to help you with your problems but I am incapable. And I hate myself when I find myself running to you and you help me and I'm unable to do much for you. Thank you Eli. I love you, MAN. You too Adrian. I don't know if you'll read this, probably not. But you really put things into perspective. I wish I could spend more time with you guys.
I feel alot better. This really helped. I'm going to start writing more in this. Everything. With this last revelation, who knows what friends are tired of me talking about my problems to them. I will take those burdens off you, and put them on here. Where no one can carry them. Where no one can find them.
I am weak. I have no say in my life. But the least I can do for you, my friends, the ones I love, is not be a burden. This is my gift. If you would like to still engage in conversation about my life and problems, I know you'll ask. You do it anyways. :P
But for the most part. emo_esli is back and he's back more than ever. Hopefully this can help me.
Things to do -
Finish my Chem II Global Warming Essay
Take my Chem II Exam #3
Finish my Chem II lab report #13
Finish my Philosophy of Religion skeletal outline
Finish my Philosophy of Religion 15 page paper(I love it)
If you're a random LJ surfer and read this, lmao got to the way bottom, and you're a Christian like me. Pray for me man! I've got financial problems, family problems, drug problems, girl problems, loneliness problems, friend problems, emotional problems, physical problems. I love it when people say they are praying for me. It makes me happy and hopeful. :)
Meanwhile, I've gotten pretty good at my harmonica. Wailing on that thing is just amazing. I've got the blues and it perfectly let's out my feelings. Like a piercing cry. Afterwards I feel alot better. Now all I need is a bottle of whiskey to go with the harmonica and I got it down.
Oh yeah to end! I remember I did this thing a long time ago 2008 about to finish each post with something good. Something positive. To help you start seeing the good in things and not be so down. It didn't work last time, but I'll try it again anyways!
Good thing of the day: I came back to LiveJournal to let it all out! And boy does it feel good. You can bet I'll come back again. Don't get too excited. It's going to be the same bullshit of my life analyzed in different ways. But I really think this is going to help me, it's made me hopeful at least and that's good isn't it?! Haha, I'm laughing, and smiling. :)
Peace,
Esli~
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| New Years Resolutions :sigh: |
[04 Jan 2009|01:44pm] |
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hopeful |
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Pink Floyd - Breathe |
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New Years Resolutions.
2008 List
1. Stop playing WoW(really hard, not because I am addicted, but because when you have no money, no car, and no friends, this is all there is left to do at the top of "fun" list)(Half failed - stopped, started playing again with the help of Eli/Jaime)
2. Work out alot more at least 3 times a week for at least 1-2 hours a day(easier when I STOP WORKING MY ASS OFF and start going to school)(Failed, not even a little. Wait, the biking was going ok but Eli took away the bike. I need to find something)
3. Spend most of my time devoted to school and studying and working hard(hard since it's kinda easy in the first place but with WoW gone it should be easier to do, actually no then it'll just be even more incredibly boring with nothing to balance the boringness with).(Half failed, I did ok the first half of the year, not so good the 2nd half.)
4. Practice guitar at least 1-2 hours a day. (Half failed, at least 20 minutes prob and not every day. Some days it will be 2 hours though, some days none.)
5. Practice harmonica at least 1-2 hours a day.(Failed, nothing at all.)
6. Open to suggestion.
7. Drink more. (A bit better, need to hold my alcohol)
8. Smoke less(hard when you are dying of hunger and need one to stop it and are poor)(Half-failed, stopped towards end of the year!! Woo.)
9. Eat healthier(hard when are you smoking just to curb hunger since you are too poor to buy food) :( (Half failed, poor and no way out to get anything, and unlearned)
10. Get a fucking girlfriend. I think it might not make me so greedy and I really need to stop fucking around with girls(not literally). Just overall be a nicer person and more caring. Too bad it's so hard to find a "nice" girl. (Failed, bad. No self-esteem or self confidence while currently in my situation)
11. Do something about my hairstyle. (Accomplished! I need to cut it again though.)
12. Make some new friends. Really good friends. (Failed, making friends sucks at community college)
13. Ask out a girl on a whim. Man today some girl just started talking to me and you could tell she was into me because she kept nervously playing with her hair and staring at me excitedly. Man she was pretty. In a different unique way. She was actually pretty hot. And you know SOMETHING was there. Then I watched her walk away and walk out of my life. :sigh: (Accomplished! Too bad nothing ever came from it and she hates me now haha)
14. Manage my money very well. (Accomplished! Managed to pay all of school.)
15. Know my limits. (I forgot what I was hiding with this. Probably accomplished.)
16. Try to manage my situation. So far nothing out of everything I've been doing, nothing has gotten done. I need to try something new. (Nothing new coming out, :( so maybe not done.)
17. Try to be a happier person about everything and even though it's impossible and I just KNOW things. To be a more confident, and positive person and take things as they come and as a challenge. (Actually maybe accomplished! I feel I've grown alot and ready to take on the New Year).
6. Stop cussing(Eli) - Failed, I think I probably cuss more now.
6. Make a band with John.(John) - Failed, John never means what he says.
6. Drink less.(David) - Ok fuck that one.
New Years Resolutions for 2009
1. Apply myself to school first, before anything, come on Esli you don't have a life.
2. Exercise, you can do exercise with your own body weight, plus you're in terrible shape, you get sick way too often, do it for health, not to look good.
3. Take care of my appearance. I like the hobo-chic look but I need to look presentable, like a 23-year old young man. Not like a slop-ridden teenager. That includes shaving, hair cut, dressing, brushing my teeth more.
4. Get a fucking girlfriend. Come on Esli how many girls did you get last year that were just begging for it, stop thinking too much and being too picky just get whichever to get this done.
5. Do something about money, manage money, make money, take care of money, distribution. Help.
6. Open to suggestion.
7. Keep up the guitar, chord progression is easy, learn better scales and other lead guitar stuff.
8. Stop wasting time on the internet reading. Wasting time playing video games. Wasting time doing anything.
9. Be open to learning new things. Time to grow up. Learn to run a house, and things that can help you live on your own.
10. Try to manage my situation and look for help in different ways.
11. Same as my last New Years Resolution. My last last one. To just be a positive person and keep on truckin. To keep growing as a human being and as an adult. Be happier and more confident and take things as they come.
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[22 Dec 2008|01:09am] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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Wow, one year has passed and some people still haven't removed me from their buddy lists.
Guess I'll never be able to leave my AIM off "Only allow people on my buddy list to contact me".
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[09 Nov 2008|12:27am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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Whoa, so yeah, looks like I've left livejournal forever. I realize I really don't need to write down anything more and I guess the whole "seperation of friends" things has started happening. I always told myself I'd never let it happen, but I guess people are right when they say life happens and life is a bitch and life is hard so it's hard to do all this.
I mean, I probably would keep in touch more often, but I think on Halloween night it kinda hit me. That my friends are way too different from me. I mean I'm glad that I fit in for the most part, but I guess the fact of my stupidass background and other things. I guess it's stopping me from everything.
And then again 'something' kinda happened with a friend. Really stupid of me. It's one of those things where you just went too far. Yeaaaah, and she's my friend. Yeah, one of those things. I am kinda sickened by it but I guess it just happened happened. Things are getting too out of control. I need to fix this, I need to find myself a proper girl. And I think I know just who, I already know who you are and got you in mind chiquita haha.
In the end I feel like I will be a shitty boyfriend, nay I am so sure of it. But...well I guess I have nothing to justify myself with. Maybe I'll just find myself a really shitty girlfriend to balance it out.
Speaking of chiquita, what's with all the Valley Girls being chiquitas? Like damn, ok well maybe alot of them are like fat and gross right, but lately I've been noticing more and more small girls. Like, tiny. They are still hot right, like they got it. But it's just like a miniature version of a normal sized hot girl. Crazy, I've always liked tall girls. And there are a couple tall girls that I've had my eye on and weirdly enough have had their eye on me back, but lately I've been real into these tinyass girls. Everytime I see them a "mm chiquita" escapes my lips ahaha. Which isn't good, considering the fact that these are legal college girls, then I've got these underage high school girls who like me that I never payed attention to, but now I kinda am since their physique is about the same only with them being underage ahaha. I need to stop this.
I still haven't even done my New Years resolution of find myself a "good girl"friend. I guess I attribute it to me feeling guilty whenever I do find a good nice girl. And also being fucked over in the end when said nice girl turns out to have a boyfriend and I'm her boytoy or something. Speaking of boytoy, there's this fineass girl who's gotta be at least 28 or older who keeps staring from afar. I tried talking to her but she just seemed to bask in the attention and smiled crazily and just walked off. Yeah baby you give me the time of day I'm sure you'd be hooked you best walk off.
But yeah. Like take for example. There's this one girl right now, seems like just the sweetest nicest girl ever. Really happy, really just, everything. But I think some other guy is kinda like, after her. Now I saw her today and she seemed to get a bit flustered/red when I got closer and a bit nervous. Ok now I'm not saying I'm better than the other guy, but he seems like a pretty decent looking guy. I would feel really bad if she just started seeing me rather than him because I haven't seen her in a while. But then again I'd feel bad if she just stopped talking to me and just started seeing him haha I'm a dumbass.
Ok, well. I guess the same reason why I can't have friends is the same reason why I can't have a love. Same reason I can't do much of anything these days and the same reason why I'm about to undergo some drastic changes this next month. I really hope it's not as tough as it sounds for me or as tough as I'm making it sound. But, I really can't think. I really do wish sometimes things were easier for me. I feel like I'm always going through everything halfway. I would just really like something whole.
So I guess tonight I would like to say, if you're a Christian, or believe in God since I know it's cool nowdays to hate the religion but not Jesus, to pray for me really good and hard. I feel like I'm just about to lose alot and I probably am, nah I will, but I just hope it isn't that bad. And I hope I end up in a better place soon.
...holy shit.
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[06 Oct 2008|04:59pm] |
Life sucks.
There are no fixes for anything and I must trek through life halfassed.
:(
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| Talking about love, I can't stop talking about love. |
[30 Sep 2008|05:13pm] |
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mood |
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 worried |
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music |
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Led Zeppelin - Trampled Under Foot |
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Another day, another post.
Man, enough of my bitching and addictions, it's just bad yo.
So today I had a test I was completely not fucking ready for. I mean usually I know about them in advance enough to actually prepare and manually spread my ass for the fucking but this it just completely caught me by surprise (rape/surprise sex). /sigh
Oh well at least I got a 90 on my Quiz, and a fucking 40 on my other other quiz, sigh.
I just realized I need a planner type thing. I mean like, I've always seen other people with them. I always thought those people with planners were fucking chobs. I mean look at them all nerds writing shit down on a fucking PLANNER with dates and calenders and just ugh. Such a waste. Well now I kinda feel like one is necessary but only because I would actually use it well and can see the actual need and efficiency of one. Whereas when I saw "them" use it, it just seemed like they got one to try it and make it work and I'm sure it never did work for them.
Anyways, there's this quiet girl I've had my eye on for a while. She isn't even that pretty, maybe a little boring/plain and too skinny(as in not a super hot body). She looks...nice. I guess is the word that fits here perfect. She looks fantastically mediocre, and I say that after I saw her at Target buying bra's. It just looked so boring and menial yet she was doing it and with such importance and attention. I sometimes wish I gave matters of my life that much attention but alas I'm always off in the clouds and things that concern humans such as clothes and food and sleep and human necessities I end up getting pissed off about because they keep getting in the way of my thinking/reading whatever I'm doing. Damn wastes of time. But yeah, she seems just so, I don't know. Quiet, boring, mediocre, not ugly, but just not the kind of person that you pick out in the crowd. I wonder if she's had a boyfriend before(probably not). I only guess that because she seems like the kind who doesn't speak much and just "goes with the flow" and wouldn't know what to say if someone did ask her out. Some ugly fresa guy will probably ask her out and she'll say yes just because no one has ever asked her out. Man, the shit that goes through my head.
So yeah, getting out of Chem and that assraping test it's off to a-wandering. Actually my day was getting pretty shitty. Truth be told. I was sitting in the computer lab, wondering where my eye candy girl(who I still haven't talked to) was since I had nothing to look at, and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt like I was getting a bit down. Just a bunch of stuff and everything coming down at the same time. Anyways, so I figured I'd keep my mind busy and decided to do some work or whatever and as I'm walking off I meet someone I hadn't talked to in a long time. Sexy lil' thang dayum yeah haha. She died her hair black but she still looks good enough to whole damn mamma damn(lolwtf the shit that comes outta my mouth).
Speaking of, I am fucking sick. Like really, I just can't even control myself anymore. I mean I have more girl friends than guy friends and I'm always being asked to walk them to class or just to be there with them and keep them company and whatnot. Man I swear, like I have no shame anymore. I am just so touchy and it's getting worse. My hugs, my kisses, I move the hair from their faces and away from their necks practically stroking them. I drink their drinks without asking from the straw/opening, eat their bitten food. I get insanely close when I talk to them(and I look deep into their eyes without looking away), I play with their hair and when my arms are around their midriff I squeeze them and give them insane compliments(I swear I'm like || close to asking the girl to do a little spin for me so she can show her stuff).
What's crazy is that they actually like this shit. They get more and more daring and touch me even more, pulling on my shirt, and get even closer to my face we are practically pressed up against to each other talking I am not even fucking joking. Now it's not so much Esli hold back when talking to them and try not to come across as flirty(which I admit was always a problem with me and my playfulness with girls) now it's Esli how the fuck are you gonna hide your boner. Anyways, now I tried stopping this with being a little more distant and not being too touchy but seems like the more friends I make(girls) all of them always want to hug and keep their hand on my shoulder or play with my frizzy front of my hair(to which I'll without a thought start playing with theirs -_-).
Man my problems, lmao. No not really. I'm still very much in debt, so financial problems aren't going away soon, ever. Well that and just family financial problems aahaha. Then school, ugh fucking school. All the professors think their shit is super important and give you shitloads of work and hey I'm taking 14(really 16) hours and they just keep piling it on. And I still haven't even talked to the good looking lab assistant girl. Man she scares me with her smarts and confidence, but a good scary haha, not THE FUCKING RAKE SCARY FUCK YOU ELI. But yeah oh also I made a new friend yesterday(girl lmao) woo. She seems fun hopefully we can hang out more because I definitely wouldn't mind seeing more of her. ;)
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| Fernando's New Beginnings |
[23 Sep 2008|08:56pm] |
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mood |
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weary |
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music |
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Chatterbox FM |
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Man, things are getting fucking insane.
I need to stop cussing.
Ok, well nothing much in my life as usual. I am still addicted. So much to the point where eating and taking a dump and showering and sleeping gets in the way. I mention those because those seem more important and necessary than doing my homeworking and studying(which I am still not doing).
My professors are crazy, all of them. And, I have so much work argh.
Man there is this fine girl in the library computer lab. Well not the one that was sitting next to me. She was kinda fine too, outta nowhere just comes and sits next to me and rubs her ass all over my arm as she sits down, hmm. Why don't I have a girlfriend again?
Oh yeah, I think I know why, I'm fucking broke. Seriously, it's no joke anymore. I haven't even paid for my school, I have no money to pay for it, the money is due, I'm tired of being in debt and borrowing, and I have no work hours. I just want to recede into my little bubble. Or maybe buy a bottle and just drink alot. Seriously, next little bit of money I get, boom, gone. Argh, I'm so tired of this.
Like right now take for instance, I got this cute little things number. LOL she's like 16 oh man oh well I didn't know honestly, ah well she'll be legal in one more year, actually by the end of this year. Woo gotta love those Texas laws.
Anyways, what I mean is, that fine girl from the comp lab. Man she keeps stealing glances at me. I mean, she's hot, and that was without make up and dressed loosely. She came in one day dressed up with a make up and holy shit I couldn't stop staring. She actually caught me too all busted haha I was all staring and she slowly turned and bam eye to eye contact for like 2-3 seconds while I was thinking "holyshitholyshitturnlookawayfuckfuck" before I was finally able to. She knew I was looking that's why she turned and stopped directly on me that tease. Actually haha my friend has been telling me that she's been making too many signals at me for me to finally go and talk to her but wtf she's at work and surrounded by workers so I don't know what the f I'm gonna do. She also looks older, like 22 or 23 seriously. That's great, also she seems very outspoken and very confident, just the way she walks you can tell she has strong character, scary, as in, oh shit she's gonna dump my ass but not after beating my ass when she finds out I'm an asshole.
Ok enough about my shitty love life, and my shitty financial life, and my shitty school life, and my shitty drug life(lmao jk). I guess this is back to being my rantjournal, or my bitchjournal.
Good thing, um, the girls I'm talking to right now? Haha, good thing, I'm gonna try to get back to work work work on my school, really, trying.
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| Hell yes I am awesome. |
[04 Sep 2008|10:14pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Tigres Del Norte from my sisters room |
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Haha, man everyone is asking about those curtains it's hilarious. Bah, well.
I haven't turned in my first Chemistry lab report! I am such a dumbass. Right, anyways.
Class is, meh. I am so fucking addicted! Like seriously I just can't stop reading shit. Why must I love reading. Furthermore, why must there be so much interesting shit to read on the internet. I swear I am like a sponge just absorbing everything. Ugh, like I KNOW that I should be doing homework and I just can't stop reading, fucking addict. Why can't I just be an alcoholic like normal people.
Girl problems again. We're one car less now and there goes the only car I could drive. The others are too important fuck me. Looks like those girls will be date-less for a while. That is until they realize I am pretty much telling them fuck off with my actions even though I would like to take them out. Haha, oh man it's so sad when the relationship with them just DIES like a slow painful death. It's like wow, what used to be there was great and now it's DEAD and like died slowly we both felt it, pretty shitty. And awkward too.
In other news that cute server girl sent a note over looking for me wooo baby. And the other girl keeps stopping by to look for me. And the other girl keeps sending me text messages. And the other girl keeps calling me. Why don't I have money or a vehicle or time? Fuck me. Again.
Anyways, GAH, my sister keeps playing her ghetto-ass Mexican shit. I swear I know all those corridos by memory now. Everyone is like "dude all rocker you" because I have long hair then I start busting out these corridos and even add the Mexican shout and people are like "CHINGAOOOO" yeah something. Ok.
Anyways, I'm bored. Let's hope I keep doing well in class and my money lasts and that all turns out well please God oh please please I beg and pray.
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| Ooh, it makes me wonder. |
[31 Aug 2008|01:12am] |
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Led Zeppelin - Stairway To Heaven |
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You know, after a while, doing work does feel pretty good. I re-arranged my entire room and cleaned everything and mopped and swept(before I mopped obv) and it all looks really good with new curtains I just bought that are supposed to block out light but don't really.
I was originally looking for light blocking curtains to block out light and keep my room a cave for the comp only to lit up and also the sun holy shit rises on my side and I have the biggest windows in the house. This makes my room INCREDIBLY hot even though they put the air super low in here because my sisters are crazy. I swear I would wake up and holy crap it was super stuffy in my room I could even see the heatwaves and I woke up sweating all crazy. Anyways I covered it with a quilt over the curtains and it kinda worked but yeah, quilt over curtains, crazy.
So these new 99% light blocking curtains don't work. It's still super bright in here. But, it's still fresh! It said they blocked out heat and light but they only block out heat and I kinda like the light now :D! So I am keeping them.
Anyways, long talk about NOTHING important right.
More news on girl shit, I think I got a couple of really good offers right now. Bad news, they are all so fucking young. Shit like 18 and 17 what the fucking fuck. Also, omg again I hope I am not being considered for being rebound material. =\
I will be a good friend though so yeah. Still, where are all the nice 21-22 year olds? All hypocrite I'd probably get with the 17 year old in a heartbeat haha. Actually I am really considering her because she's so damn nice! Seriously, by the way she acts and looks any girl that can act like that in that situation is just endearing to me with her humble ways. And we all know that's the only way to my ice cold heart. Right.
Anyways, I am though looking forward to anything if it happens because I still feel obligated to complete my new years resolution of "Find a good girlfriend and be a good boyfriend" dammit. Mostly because I really need to stop fucking around with girls(not literally) and actually settle and be serious. My mom tells me if you can be good in a relationship and keep a healthy relationship it shows a good sign of character because relationships are alot of work and compromise and having to love others whereas not just being a selfish asshole who just uses people(:me:). Kinda sad when the girls you've dated, your friends, your sisters, and your own mother accuse you of all this right to your face haha. I do wanna be a good person.
So yeah but knowing me all of this is gonna end up shittily. As in with nothing as usual so yeah. I'm not crossing my fingers, although I should, my motto has almost always been "fuck hope"(lmao) but I think it's a good thing to have hope. Sorta keeps you from being too much of a pessimistic asshole who hates everything lmao. So yeah, whatever happens happens and stay hopeful, but I don't wanna come across as some needy desperate nub haha so yeah whatever happens happens.
Also I met this girl who works at Banana Republic today and daaaaaaaaaaaang talk about fucking hot. Nice rick, nice legs, great eyes, got all shy when I just stared at her lmao. She just asked if she could help me and I got kinda startled and I mean she was really close I wast just like :o and just looked directly into her eyes for a while before I could get composure to talk to her(seriously why the fuck is this happening alot to me now this never did I used to always stay cool always) and I guess she took it as I was trying to make her blush or trying to do something to her because she got all giggly and blushy so yeah.
Ok enough of my shit rants. I have soo much homework!!! I need to start workin on all dis shiznit. Also Jackie gave me her car, here's to learning to start driving alot alot. Bad news is abundant though, if you really wanna know just ask me since I don't wanna post it here but you're welcome to ask and/or pray. That is if you're a good friend and I kinda trust you since some of it is kinda sensitive and I probably won't trust some of you but if you know me enough it's kinda the same ol bullshit but it's kinda piling on a bit more now.
Ok, I need to stop writing more, hope hope hope.
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| Back to school, back to COOL, lame. |
[28 Aug 2008|09:21pm] |
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music |
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Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song |
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So yeah, once again I am back in school. I actually kinda like it but holy shit so much shit to do.
Ok the first semester I took 12 hours, then I started taking 14 hours last semester, now I am taking up to 16 hours though I think it only counts as 14 since one is a lab but the teacher told us that he won't let us do the lab and leave. No, he wants to "seize the opportunity" to teach us more about the wonders of boring-ass chemistry. So he's gonna use the entire LAB hours to lecture more when we're done with the lab. Ugh.
So basically I'm taking, College Algebra, Psychology, Speech, and Chemistry I. So far Chemistry seems to have the biggest work load. Algebra seems to be the hardest to understand(how surprising). Psychology seems to be the one I'll have to read shitloads for. And Speech seems to have the coolest teacher with easiest class attached to it.
But yeah, oh my word girls girls girls. So many girls. In my first class first day my teacher told us that STC now had 20,000 students. We had 18,000 students last year and we beat Pan Am in students. I'm guessing 20,000 is enough to beat Pan Am in students again? I don't know. He said if we keep growing at this rate we'll double Pan Am's student population in 5 years. We left class that day and holy shit. The halls were packed.
Not only that, the halls were packed with gorgeous girls. Girls girls everywhere and so little time. I swear I almost broke/twisted my freaking neck with all the turning and looking and staring I was doing. Fucking aggressive and feisty girls too. I'm so obvious when I look at girls. One will walk right past me with me staring right at her and then when she passes me I'll turn around to get a good view of the back. Most of these girls pretty much hold my gaze when I look at them and even give me a sly smile. They even keep staring as they pass me what the f. So forward. This happens I don't know how many times a day. Flirty flirty. I fall in love five times a day.
No hot girls in my classes boo hoo. I hate Chemistry I wonder if I can switch to Astronomy without having to pay anything or have anything bad on my record. I just found out I'd have to take Chem II? Holy fucking shit no. Books expensive as shit too what the f.
Anyways, I haven't typed here forever. My carpal tunnel is still there. I feel my hand go numb and cold all the time, sucks. One warm hand, one cold hand. I cut my hair, I still look good. I've been thinking about exercising more now like running. I miss the bike. I'm still practicing guitar and getting better but I need new stuff to do. It's like I've reached a peak or a plateau and can't get past.
Ok, I am addicted to the internet. To reading basically. I read so much I love reading. I need to kick that habit. Although I am so full of interesting shit really. Now in conversations I am non-stop talking which doesn't help.
Oh yeah girls. Well I think I got a couple girls lookin date-able right now. Two of them are 18 and one of them is 17 lmao. I think I got one more coming but as usual she has a boyfriend. :sigh: Anyways, yeah.
I've been missing playing video games. I realized just how much I suck at alot of things now! I suck at exercise or anything that isn't stay at home and read! Shit this sucks. I am gonna start working out more and running, play more guitar, try to spend a shitload of time on homework, and try to learn some other useful life skills. Like maybe cook. Though I'll still lie that I don't know how because fuck you bitch I ain't cookin for you. Anything that will get me off this computer and stop reading! Ugh, I need more suggestions.
Oh yeah, I picked up a pack of cigs a while ago. Marlboro Lights as opposed to Camel No.9's. I tried them and blehhh. I can smoke "you-know-what" just fine and yet cigs I just start coughin all crazy. Crazy, actually my friend gave me one and he was like "smoke with me smoke with me cmon" so I did and I started coughing and he was like "haha man wtf this isn't J stop doin that" so yeah.
Oh yeah!!! I pretty much convinced my mom to buy me alcohol lollll. And by alcohol I mean wine. She told me she heard good things about vino tinto and how although Italians have some of the most fatty cholesterol ridden foods they live the longest of alot of other groups. Has to do with red wine vino tinto. Anyways, so we might get some hehehe I'm all finishing the bottle over prolly. I was thinking about asking David Gomez what some good ones are since I always see a wine bottle at his house and it looks like the cheaper kind(lmao) like the ones you can get at supermarkets HEB Plus and whatnot, not like 500 dollar a bottle fancy wine type thing. So yeah har har.
I need to buy my books oh no. I think my next income of money shall all go to books how sad I got a shitload of stuff I need to pay off. Oh yeah some other girl randomly came up to me in the lab to ask some random question, weird, and I had headphones on all loud. Probably because I was staring at her for a long time lmao. Anyways, I don't wanna ask her out now because what if she geniunely had a question and is like "omg now I can't talk to random people and ask random questions because they get all stalky or clingy or he is all stalky and clingy I only gave him a tiny little bit of attention and now he wants me". Well she looks like a nice enough girl. Modest and just normal and down to earth. Looks about my age too. As in not super young and hot. Like a little more mature hot.
Ok so yeah, wrote too much. They didn't really block MySpace at school there are shitloads of proxies to use. Also the library lab hasn't blocked MySpace. And I am just gonna start carrying everything portable on my flash drive. To leave you guys here is a link.
http://crazeegeekchick.com/blog/25%2Dmust%2Dhave%2Dthumb%2Ddrive%2Dapps%2Dfor%2Dgeeks/
Holy shit the song that's on right now is totally not appropriate and I'm embarrassed to have it on so I'll just put I'm listening to something else loll. ;>_>
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[20 Jun 2008|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
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music |
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Regina Spektor |
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Summer in the city...means cleavage cleavage cleavage!
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[09 Jun 2008|02:40am] |
http://www.walkscore.com
My street has a horrible one. I wish I lived closer to the city.
I wish alot of things.
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| The Gospel According To Mathew |
[25 May 2008|01:24am] |
Chapter 6 Do Not Worry
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28 "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Chapter 7 Ask, Seek, Knock
7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
God, Father, please. Just some better days.
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| Jazzy Guitar |
[12 May 2008|10:27pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Pink Floyd - Echoes |
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So I have stopped posting. Maybe it's the carpal tunnel, maybe it's the fact that it's a hassle and it kinda turned into a chore. :sigh:
I guess I do feel a bit better and more "positive". Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Right.
So school is over. Alot of people are glad and stuff, but I'm kinda down a bit. School was the closest thing of a social life I had ahaha. Yeah, sad. Well that's how things are when you don't have a means of transportation.
I actually wanted to use my bike to get to school. Good exercise, and you get to your destination anyways without wasting money on gas. Actually that, and I really want a scooter just for the whole "I AM A UNIQUE BUTTERFLY/SNOWFLAKE" tag that I can wear since I'll have a kickass goofy scooter that people can point me out amongst the crowd with. I have no love for my country, I just ended that sentence in a prepositional phrase. Weird, I love doing that, it makes the sentence feel more witty I say. Or something.
Speaking of that. I finished my Marijuana 420 woo par-tay paper. It wasn't really that, but whenever the word "marijuana" gets thrown in, you know every dumbass(aka the mass) are gonna treat it as such. I got an A. Woo par-tay 420 ok yeah whatever you get the point. That teacher is insanely hard and grades really harshly so I'm surprised she gave me a good grade. I did try SUPER hard on it and put so much time into it. I actually went to get it edited a bajillion times and the last time I edited it, I edited it with her since she is an editor at the success center. She only found 4 errors so that's probably why she gave me an A because she saw I got my paper edited a bajillion times and I tried so hard. Still, that A kinda threw me off. Maybe it's because she saw the whole class was as dumb as bricks and she got easier on us at the end of the semester.
Still, I got my A wooo. I sent Eli a copy of my paper(the dumb roughdraft) and he said he couldn't believe it was my writing. Supposedly, my writing on there was informative, yet kinda bland. My writing here, however, is more radical and extreme. I admit my writing can be colorful sometimes here. I look back and read some of my masturbatory posts about how hot I am and I laugh so much. Hell I think even Melissa commented on some to say they were hilarious which I didn't even think she read my posts. Brittany too IMed me out of the blue to tell me stories were hilarious and so cocky and just so exaggerated and dumb. Yes I said it before, those posts are meant to get that kinda reaction. Really, if you know me, you know I'm not (that) cocky and if I am it's just to be loly funny whatever.
But yeah, I kinda like my writing. Too bad I can never find the time for it nor do I ever have anything interesting to write about. To top it off, I still sometimes filter my posts heavily because of some people I don't want reading. But for the most part, about 99% of my posts are public.
So, now it's kinda do nothing for 3 months. More like 3.5 months WOWOWOW ugh. I swear, what the hell am I doing. Oh yeah, I've been wanting to get a new guitar. I have that crappy old one Adrian gave me for my birthday. I played new ones and holy crap wow they feel so nice. Like, playing them, I don't want to stop. With mine, I get tired/bored easily. So, I don't know. I would like an electric guitar but they are so freaking expensive. First the guitar, second of all, the amp and cords and stuff. Then even more if I want effect pedals, ugh. Acoustic seems the way to go but I would like to play some other stuff that isn't just acoustic stuff. I really really want a Seagull which I've heard are super good for their price. Maybe, I'll have to wait and earn it which is gonna be a bitch. But if I do, I want to get a stand or wall holder and a slide. Also I want to get a new harmonica. Maybe in the key of A or G which are both good blues keys since I already have C. Bah, soo much money.
So yeah, I need to cut my hair. It's super long now. It's actually going down my back now. Or at least I feel it going down my back. It's not THAT long which I'm sure some of you are like "omg down your back so long" but rather it's starting to go down my back. Jeez, I hate having to dumbify my speech/writing for you jerks but then again I'm the idiot that wants you guys to understand. :sigh:
Anyways, going for the shaved look. I do that every year. Eli is like "hurr it's not shaved more like trimmed" yeah stfu. It's a 1 on the side and a 2 on the top. This time, I actually do want to get it shaved. Like a 1 or a 0 or something. Then I want to get shaving cream and a razor and shave it even more. I don't know why, I am crazy. Still, I need it. The long hair is definitely getting in the way. Last Saturday was INTENSE with the heat I swear I would've pulled it all off. Still, I will miss it. There goes any kind of aesthetic appeal I had lmao.
Well not really. Actually I met this cute girl(here goes another met this cute girl story) a while ago. She is just weird. Haha, yeah, weird. Just, wow, another one of those "what the hell do I see in her". Really, what the hell is my problem. I should be embarrassed. Let me count the girls that are incredibly good looking that I could've gone for. Uh huh there's cute skirt wearing really nice golden tan girl, there's hot athletic with a great smile girl, there's incredibly body girl with loly teeth girl, gah, countless others, here's a bunch of other girls and I shrug them off and I get attracted to weirdie girl. I should be shot.
Still, I don't think I'll look as good as I did with long hair. I mean, people may tell me "cut your hair hippie" and stuff like "you look super messy and just ew" but come on, I totally hey those "heeeeyy wassup with you" moments where you project that attitude with your eyes with girls walking down the hall or outside or anywhere right now. With shorter hair, that NEVER happened. Even now with cashiers or random people I talk to since I talk to any stranger, I got the whole nervous scuffle from them more with my long hair than I did with my short hair. Blah, well I guess convenience trumps all that, and another reason. -_-
So yeah, things to do this summer, get a haircut. Let's see, I think I should try to work out more. I was thinking of buying some new shoes, yeah big omg moment since I haven't bought myself a thing since like, when, 9th grade? (8 years ago btw) I'm lucky my stuff still fits me. Still, I've lost a ton of weight and my belt gets smaller and smaller every day so yeah. Maybe some pants too. Then it's "a chingarle" if you know what I mean. I was thinking of going back to WoW this summer since I'll be so bored with nothing to do. After a while, and Jaime saying he wasn't gonna play with me, I think I'll start trying to finish up some of my new years resolutions. Haha, yeah I still remember them and I am still trying to finish them up. I'm sure the whole days I'll be having I can TRY to get into productive mode and out of little lazy kid mode. And maybe the idea of finishing what I start will keep me in the track to keep like that for the later on in life. I think the haircut will help too seeing as how I don't want to do alot of things like do work with my head down since it gets my face or do anything outside since it's always blowing in my face. Let's hope.
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| Not lonely at all. |
[04 May 2008|11:01pm] |
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mood |
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not lonely at all |
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music |
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System of A Down - Lonely Day |
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Wooo, ok good things today.
I saw fine church girl. O m g. She was wearing this brown slim dress that really flattered her. Lmao, I swear, I never thought I'd see a bunch of guys being super obvious in trying to catch a glance at her with a bunch of girls making it super obvious at trying to ignore it and look like they are not noticing. Man, yeah, she looked THAT good. /sigh
Anyways, lollll the lights went out for like a good hour but we kept trudding on. Insane.
So far, getting nothing done, nope nope. OMG! I just remembered I have to do my study guide for History fuck, cock, shit. Ok, gotta get that.
Good thing, saw super fine church girl, ehh, bah, I hate remembering that(something else).
And tomorrow, I am going to fucking Ace that test. And the computers exam.
Woo!
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